Mr. Belly and Swim Get Married

Write something, says Woo Big's noggin to the fingers that lie like stupid meat, inert on the keyboard.

The stupid fingers don't respond. They are like the roasted squid legs you can buy at the rest stop. Sort of salty and pink... but totally stupid.

Korean rest stops are huge. They are gigantic. They are like malls. You can take a piss, eat noodles, buy stupid art or a hat, play a video game, make a phone call (if you happen to be one of the fifteen Koreans that DOESN'T own a cellphone), and fill your tank with gas.

I was at a rest stop the weekend before last. We were on our way to see Mr. Belly and Swim get married.

Korean weddings take place in the matrimonial version of the Korean rest stop; the wedding hall. Only the way it's spelled in Korean, it gets pronounced "Wedding Hole"... hahaha. Imagine a gigantic building with six weddings going on all at once in separate rooms, and a dining hall big enough for all six receptions to occur simultaneously. Just beware when you go to the can, as some of the guests will overdo the soju, and this may result in a premature ejaculation of the vomitus... all over the entrances to both the men and women's facilities, making it impossible to relieve one's self unless one is indifferent to skiing through slippery swamps of upchuck.

Swim looked so nervous I thought she would pop like a grape. The Korean ceremony tends to vary from one wedding to the next, but is generally moderated by a trusted older gentleman who knows both the young'uns. Then the two mothers come up and light candles with them fancy long-stemmed barbecue lighters. Then the dads come up and sit by the moms. Then the couple comes up and bows low to each set of parents, with the groom actually down on the floor. I heard of one Western dude lucky enough to marry a Korean girl, who actually refused to bow to the girl's father. Oops. I mean, if you're in, you're in, no?

Anyway, Mr. Belly and Swim are both Korean, so no worries there. And they seem ridiculously in love; always a plus if you're getting hitched. After the bowing the parents and the couple all stand up together, along with a couple more relatives, and the moderator keeps talking. The whole time there's some chick in jeans with a video camera and a dude with a huge still camera, and they tag team blocking the guests from getting any good shots.

The wedding is also attended by a crew of young ladies in matching Sgt. Pepper-style vinyl red and white outfits with miniskirts, holding trumpets, swords, and the backend of the bride's dress as various occasions arise.

I'm happy to say that by the end of the ceremony, Swim's characteristic grin was back, and she was glowing. The two of them are now somewhere in Bali on their honeymoon. Best of luck, you crazy kids.